#BLESSED: those who hunger and thirst for righteousness and justice

The following is part of a series of articles.
It is a satire.
The idea behind this series is simple: What if Jesus and his "blessed" statements - his Beatitudes - were being "collaborated" on by a modern Christian Public Relations Consultant?
Enjoy. 

<<< (back) THE MEEK

"BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HUNGER AND THIRST FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS AND JUSTICE, FOR THEY WILL BE SATISFIED."

Ahh! So sweet. You're making me nostalgic, Jesus. See, when I was a kid, I always loved when the missionaries would visit us at church. They would tell great stories of the people they worked with and served, and we would get all worked up into a frenzy! Between their passionate pleas (and a little well-timed guilt), we would feel so "on fire" for the work being done. How lovely that this is what they did with their lives! We were so glad to receive updates before going back to our American lives outside the mission field. 

As I grew up, I began to see that Americaland was a mission field too! But not in the sense of practically loving and serving and being with people - more in the sense of talking people into agreeing with doctrines about God, or voting a certain way, or being a culture within its own bubble so that people know they can come to us when they're ready. I also realized that it's important to know my apologetics so that I always win an argument. You gotta have an answer for everything! And I tell people the TRUTH whether they want to hear it or not! Ahh... I've grown so much!

I still think it's good to have our missionaries remain concerned with taking care of people in the third world... But to me, it's clear that we have no need of the same here. I just don't think systemic injustices - cycles of violence, inequity, inequality or poverty - could ever apply in the good ol' US of A! If people have a problem here, they're probably just lazy, and they shouldn't be getting any handouts. We need to be more concerned with not enabling people than we are with taking care of their practical needs. When they're ready to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and conform to our standards, the church [bubble] will be waiting for them, and ready to hear that testimony! 

Sure, it's nice to leave all your ideas going on... elsewhere. Across an ocean or something. But we don't need it to define who we are or even be the signpost of who we are becoming. Especially not in our politics... Man, keep the social justice causes away from Christian politics! That is just a non-starter for us Evangelicals. You won't get anywhere. And I'm not so sure you need to. We're just fine doing things our own way! If you want to keep your fans, listen to me and listen to me good on this one, Jesus. You don't want a platform of this social justice stuff. They will crucify you out there! 

That's the way I see it, and I think you'd totally agree: There is simply no need to look over our own context to see how we can best enact righteousness. If I take your meaning biblically, I know "righteousness" implies right relationship - that is, harmonious, intimate connection to all things. In the Bible, that was equated with a covenant faithfulness in both testaments, and its aim was toward social justice and ethics, sometimes called "jubilee" or "the kingdom of God." ...See, I'm already confusing myself, and I'm a pastor! The regular people don't stand a chance to understand these ideas if an expert has no taste for them! It's more than they can handle! I wouldn't even attempt to let them know this stuff and see what they do with it! There's just no point. And that's why I'm bringing you up to speed. Bottom line: I guess we've moved on. The Reformation got all this stuff figured out already, and those guys seemed to think differently than you. When we say "righteousness" now, we're usually just referring to something intangible off somewhere else. It's a detached thing that doesn't have much gravity for us. 

So let's remove the "righteousness" part from the equation. It just confuses things. 

Now, "hungering and thirsting" on its own, I have no problem with. You'll be pleased to know that we are all about that! We're stoking an appetite all the time! Hungry for more of the God we're dispensing! Thirsty for more of our services! People need more of God, and they're going to get that in our programs! If they feel dependent on their leaders to give them a massive emotional response that they can consume each week, we've done our jobs... I'll admit, what we have going is hard to jibe with what you were saying to the Samaritan woman at the well - all that stuff about living waters and not thirsting anymore? Yeah, I don't get it... We'll have to maybe fix THAT later too. 

Which brings me to the "satisfied" part of your statement. I think it's too strong. Filled up entirely? Nah. Gotta leave that door open. Studies have statistically shown that there is a certain way to do faith if you want the people to keep bringing their butts to the seats. What we've found to be most effective is to simultaneously downplay the cause of justice WHILE groveling for “more of God.” Your suggestion is more along the lines that we will find God in the causes of justice and restoration. We can't risk that. 

We must always be kept hungering and thirsting in a way that spiritually keeps us going in circles - addicted to recovery, restoration, recklessness and wreck... Rinse and repeat. 

We come to "the altar." We "pray the prayer" again, hoping it "sticks" this time or we can get more saved. To that end, we can never truly be satisfied, because that might drive us to get outside of ourselves and our religious cycle. It might transform us in ways that are truly contrary to the broken systems of this world… Which would be like your version of righteousne--

--OH... I see what you did there. Tricky! I'll give you points for that. You almost got me. Anyway, I guess we have to nix the "satisfied" part too. Let's just really hammer that hungering and thirsting stuff, cool? 

...THAT WAS QUITE A BIT THAT NEEDED FIXING! WHEW! HERE'S WHERE WE'VE LANDED TODAY:

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#BLESSED are those who are well-adjusted to injustice, who hope only in "thy kingdom come" but not "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." May they remain detached from the concerns of this world. And #BLESSED are those who are also always crying out for MORE from (an apparently withholding) God. May they never be satisfied to the point where they stop feeling thirsty and hungry or like they need to get "saved" again. 

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Well, we're just about halfway through this collaboration. I can't believe how much we've already gotten done. Are you psyched to tackle "the merciful" next? I know I am! Until next time, Jesus! 

CONTINUE TO 5) THE MERCIFUL >>>

#BLESSED: the meek

The following is part of a series of articles.
It is a satire.
The idea behind this series is simple: What if Jesus and his "blessed" statements - his Beatitudes - were being "collaborated" on by a modern Christian Public Relations Consultant?
Enjoy. 

<<< (back) THOSE WHO MOURN

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”

...

...

......Hmm. See, I feel like this may be a recurring theme in our consultations. What you're getting at here reminds me of the whole unfortunate "poor in spirit" thing that we had to flip around for your own good. We don't really use the word "meek" too much in english these days, but Webster had my back, and it was just as I thought: You're saying God stands in solidarity with the patiently humble and gentle. I gotta tell you, Jesus, I'm just glad I came on board to help with these things before it was too late.

This whole, well, obsession I'm seeing in your gospels with weakness (of all things) really leaves me scratching my head. Becoming the least to be the greatest? Voluntarily making yourself the lesser? I mean, that stuff is kind of a huge downer. This idea of having power UNDER the authorities, too - I can tell you right now - it's a big problem for me, and for other Christians all over. Gentleness and mildness are no good way to inherit much of anything, if you think about it, let alone the whole earth! And general passivity? That's just, like, eww. 

To inherit anything requires the kind of power and authority that says, "This is mine. I claim it. It's my birthright." Those are words of conquest! They are not the domain of the docile!

I want you to imagine something with me for just a second:

Imagine if there was an action movie that featured the MEEK coming to take over the earth... 

Ha! Instant flop at the box office! ...It would never work, because the meek don't demand respect and don't inspire fear, and commanding respect and fear is everything in motivating the way of this world. I know that you instruct people to not be afraid more than anything else, and I suppose I can handle that much... But it's the telling people not to cause fear that has me saying, "Slow down, buddy! We have to set some healthy boundaries!" Myself, I always thought serenity was overrated anyway. 

It's a cutthroat, dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest world out there. That's just the way of things. And if you encourage people to be fearless in this world while submitting themselves to it with patient humility and gentleness, you will not have any followers left within a generation! Mark my words. I care about you, Jesus, I'm just being real. I love that you're a dreamer (really, it blesses my socks off), but I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't tell you the truth: you're coming across as a bit naive on this one. 

So let's put aside this idea that you can shift our perspective or paradigm on something like this. We don't want to see everything differently. (I know, I know - that's exactly what you mean when you call us to "repentance," but worry not: we've already changed the meaning of that word too, so it just makes us feel all religious and guilty when we hear it.) What I'd like to suggest is that you shift this blessing you've offered to the meek, and shift it onto the people who are ready to face this world on its own terms. Claim blessing instead for those who are not under the silly idea that they need to subvert this world with any sort of revolutionary Way of being. If we don't switch this one up and bless the abrasive and forceful, we won't be taken seriously! How are we supposed to generate a cult of personality around the meek? How are the meek going to run the kind of successful financial organization that it takes to buy up mass quantities of land so that we can put huge megachurches on it? That's what you want us to do with the earth we inherit, right? (Well, that and remind each other that "it's all gonna burn," of course.)

Driscoll have mercy, Jesus! You're making this difficult on me today! ...Ahh. I just love you, brother. You crack me up! 

But anyway... At this point, I think we've gone such a long time thinking gentleness was weakness rather than strength, and that meekness was cowardice rather than courage... It's just not very realistic to expect us to stop seeing everything that way. We have always liked big demonstrations of power and authority. They really cast a spell, don't they? Why change now?

You'll be glad to know... We are down with some "humility," so long as that continues to mean "talking about how bad we are in order to appear spiritual." We'll definitely meet you halfway if that's the sort of humility we're dealing with here. We like the humility that means "thinking less of ourselves," not so much the humility that means "thinking of ourselves less." 

All that said... this one is an easy fix.

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#BLESSED are the bold! The brash, the abrasive - those who never back down and who claim what is rightfully theirs when they want it - for they shall build the better institutions! Unyielding and relentless, they shall take the earth all on their own! Who wants to wait humbly and patiently for an inheritance? The strong don’t need handouts! These folks are exceptional. They have initiative. 

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Wow, we are really making some great progress here! I'll take a look at what you have for us tomorrow, and then make some of my own notes. See you then! 

CONTINUE TO 4) THOSE WHO HUNGER AND THIRST FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS
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#BLESSED: those who mourn

The following is part of a series of articles.
It is a satire.
The idea behind this series is simple: What if Jesus and his "blessed" statements - his Beatitudes - were being "collaborated" on by a modern Christian Public Relations Consultant?
Enjoy. 

<<< (back) THE POOR IN SPIRIT

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Let me put you at ease with this one, Jesus. You'll be glad to know that we don't need to go in an entirely different direction the way we did last time. I think this one is salvageable! We just have to place enough conditions and contingencies on it to... tame it a bit. The reason, of course, is that I want to ensure people don't abuse what you're saying and take it too far. I love your idealism - I really do - I'm just here to run interference for you, buddy! Part of my job is to let you know, there are a lot of people out there who, it seems, just want to mourn. It's to the point where they tend to get in the way of ministry with their mourniness. So it's not your statement that scares me, but the application of it. 

We definitely want to keep our services safe from these sorts of people. Whether those who have gone through something terrible and just aren't getting over it as quickly as we'd like them too, or those who are simply sad too often, or even just the generally melancholy (maybe they have a hard time normalizing themselves to the tragedies and evils of this world, I don't know, whatever the case may be) - they can't take precedence over the more important stuff we're doing in spiritual community. We have programs to run! And programs are hard to run when they're being disrupted.

So this mourning-being-met-with-comfort-thing... It's okay to an extent, but we can’t get too carried away. It can't disrupt the general flow of our services. It can't get in the way of the kind of musical and sermonizing environment we're shooting for. If we have too much of that, it will upset the show. That's why I'm thinking we probably just need some fine print to what you're saying here. Some stern qualifications to constantly remind people of. That way, when tragedy strikes them, they will feel guilty if they make too much of a scene with their grief and anguish. A little religious anxiety never hurt anyone, and hey, a lot of these people are struggling with anxiety already! At least it's familiar territory for them.

Let’s face it: there are many people who simply refuse to "pray through it" or "count it all joy." I mean, seriously, "clinical depression?" Sounds more like a spiritual warfare problem, am I right?

What we can do to work with your statement here is use other scriptures and religious clichés to diminish what you're saying. We can over-qualify it and water it down to the point where it doesn't have anything too bold or dangerous to say. (This is a particularly effective tool with people who already submit everything you have to say to the rest of scripture, rather than using you as the lens through which they view all the other things. So believe me - they are primed and ready to be fine with what I'm talking about.)

Ultimately, we want Evangelical Christianity to carry the distinct culture of a people who feel like they've done something wrong if they get too "mourny" (or are mourny for too long). 

If they can't "give it to God" in a reasonable amount of time, maybe they should isolate themselves from the group so they're not too much of a distraction. We want people who see themselves as "blessed" when they come through the sadness of their trials and tribulations... Not so much when they're in the midst of them. If they sense the presence and favor and solidarity of God from inside their hurt and pain, that might encourage them to stay in mourning as long as it takes to process their grief and loss! And you never know how long that might be. 

So let’s take what you said and make it a bit safer, like this:

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#BLESSED are those who mourn -- a bit, within reason -- who can totally be comforted -- for a time... but who are careful not to mourn like “those who have no hope,” because we expect them to show us their “peace that surpasses understanding” pretty quickly no matter what horrific and devastating thing happens to them. True pain and loss make us uncomfortable, and we can’t have too much of that, or church just gets too awkward. 

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And, that said, I'm glad to have collaborated again on one of these! I can't wait to tackle the next one tomorrow! They're turning out great, aren't they? It's so great to make your name famous, Jesus! It's all about you, and your glory... 

CONTINUE TO 3) THE MEEK >>>

#BLESSED: the poor in spirit

The following is part of a series of articles.
It is a satire.
The idea behind this series is simple: What if Jesus and his "blessed" statements - his Beatitudes - were being "collaborated" on by a modern Christian Public Relations Consultant?
Enjoy. 

<<< (back) INTRODUCTION

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.”

Alright, Jesus. Let me just sort of pinpoint you here. Where you’re saying “the poor in spirit”, I’m going to have to suggest right off the bat that we just go… kind of… completely in the opposite direction with this one. I mean - let’s be real - spiritual poverty is just… awkward. And you’re not exactly inspiring a lot of confidence if you say the kingdom belongs to these people. Look around you! The really successful ministries are based around an entirely different sort of people! They are confident pretty much always! And if you want an institution of religiosity that will stand the test of time, you really want to look to them for direction, don’t you?

We Christians have it down to a science! Our CEO-pastors have all the answers, and they are pretty good at simplifying everything - from theology, to politics, to whatever else... So long as it motivates people to be more sure of themselves and less open to truth from any source they aren't already comfortable with, we've done our job. We can't have honest dialog because it shatters the control we've worked so hard to maintain over the people. And we can’t be celebrating those who are open with their doubts and faults, because that makes it seem like that sort of thing is okay. (I know you would never suggest something like that.) I'd point you again to the titans of our Christian culture, Jesus! If these confident, strapping men are not who the kingdom belongs to, then what hope would any of the droves bowing at their feet have? What I’m saying is, if anything, we need more people beating their chests and dominating the megaphone, not less! Spiritual power is as good as gold in spiritual richness. And pride has proven to be quite effective.

Now I've been looking over your gospels, buddy, and there's some cute stuff there for sure. Great work, really... But I'm also a bit concerned as someone who's been hired to help you frame this message. Believe me, I'm here for you, Jesus, but sometimes - I don't know where to start! I see you being asked 183 questions, and yet you only directly answer THREE of them? I mean, that right there is the start of your problem. And what you need to help with that problem is more reliance on reductive formula. Trust me, it works. It always works. 

To put it another way, poverty of spirit requires real and patient courage... And we've found that fear makes a better fuel for a quicker fix. Just get them being fearfully, unquestioningly, defiantly dogmatic and sure of themselves... and you've got yourself a real church going! 

What the people crave is for the American Dream to be synonymous with GOD'S dream! They want the great stories of overcomers who became financially successful and bought more toys because of their faith. They want to hear about real heroes! We've spent centuries instilling in them the idea that doubt is the opposite of faith, so for you to come along and tell them the opposite of faith is actually certainty... See, we've just worked too long and hard to let you change that definition. We have so much invested in it! 

So, instead of what you said, I’m going to suggest this: 

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#BLESSED are the RICH in spirit (and the rich in everything else for that matter)! It is the confident, and charismatic who have the market cornered on the kingdom! And whatever it is that can be attained on this earth and seems valuable... It probably is. In fact, that stuff is what we’re going to refer to as “blessings” most of the time from now on, with the understanding that this is where we see God's favor and fortune with us… I know, I know - that’s what we were doing already before you made this statement, but see, well, we kinda liked it that way. 

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That wasn’t so bad, now, was it? Looking forward to collaborating some more tomorrow! 

CONTINUE TO 2) THOSE WHO MOURN >>>